Updated: Feb 7, 2020
Have you ever known a goat to knock more than once?
No—of course you haven’t. Don’t be silly.
Goats never knock twice. Oh? You say you weren’t aware of that?
Dear boy—and/or girl… and/or…other? Let’s not mince words here.. Dear human.. Now wait, that’s specist–
Dear reader.. Wait
What if someone’s reading this TO you, on account that you’re illiterate? Or worse yet, have recently become blind?! No, this won’t do at–all.
Dear drones, yes that’s the one…
DEAR drones, a goat shall never knock twice. Why, the very thought is appalling. Shame on you.
Yae, much in the very way a lead horse becomes drank by water, a knocking goat will only ever—knock—once.
Is it for religious reasons? A cultural significance lost to us over the generations of producing extra-sharp cheeses and tough but succulent meats, perhaps?
Or even more perhaps—it is simply their preference.
Whatever the reason for a goat to knock—the fact remains: Goats never knock twice.
They have, of course been known to ding-dong-ditch, make obscene phone-calls and even send a chain letter or two. But this behavior is to be expected from any and all horned mammals.
The following is a list of corporate approved animals that MAY indeed knock twice.
Echidna (male only)
While a goat may never knock twice—it certainly is not above rapping, tapping, thumping, bumping, drumming and/or testing the acoustic properties of your door—twice.
In the event this happens: Do not panic. Simply remind the goat how similar to knocking, the aforementioned actions truly are.
This will alert them to your discomfort and either provoke them to attack, or simply release an adorable bleat of greetings to you. Followed by an unprovoked attack.
Have you recently been gored by a provoked and/or unprovoked goat attack? Management would like to extend its most sincere apologies.
Try walking it off, applying a tourniquet– or simply removing the affected area from your greater, collective self. Please note: Any time off will require supervisor approval.
And is almost guaranteed to be denied.
Nothing provokes, or un-provokes an enraged… or calm goat more, than a lazy employee.
Don’t do that.
What would father say?
Please direct any inquiries to your direct supervisor, humane resources or Stan, the Janitor. In lieu of this, you may heave yourself from the open window on the fourteenth floor to signify your resignation.
Please inform Stan of this as well.
As always, management thanks you for your corporate mandated cooperation during these trying times.
Nova Buchannan, Director; Humane Resources