Dear Nintendo

Mi dispiace, paisanos…

Ask anyone who knows me: “What developer does the Chairman love most?” and they will tell you Nintendo. The NES was my first console. The SNES was my second. The Gameboy; my first hand-held… Mario and Link would be my first idolized heroes. And as luck would have it, they would also be the subject of this body of inane rambling.

So buckle up.

Dear Nintendo, Where the hell is the rest of my Mario game? Perhaps it’s just me, but as I recall it; past entries in Nintendo’s premier IP have always had a measure of depth I find to be missing nowa days. I speak of course, about Super Mario Odyssey; the latest in platforming gold featuring the titular, former plumber.

Notice now– I praised it just then. And for good reason: It’s breathtakingly beautiful, a shit-ton of fun and creative as hell to boot. So whats my beef? I’ve played for fifteen hours so far and find myself facing off against Bowser. I hear tell of secret kingdoms that can be unlocked after completing the main game– sure… But it just seems to me that most of the kingdoms are alone, the size of a single painting from Mario 64.

Am I just crazy? Is my perception entirely unrealisitc to the truth?

And what of the story? It begins in a messy, shambling fashion that presents a plot which in my opinion is wholly ubiquitous. I’d even go as far as saying it avoids being cliche by achieving a level of baseness far below that of already-been-done.

Perhaps the developers wanted to focus their efforts on game-play. And in that sense– they’ve proven they can out



Oh, boys… what have we become?

I now move on to the latest entry in the Legend of Zelda series. Breath of the Wild was an amazing romp through the massive swath of land that is Hyrule. I’ve spent well over a hundred hours climbing every hill and scouring every valley; and while I haven’t completed everything there is to complete I feel as though I’ve done quite a bit.

Again, I compliment the hell out of this title. It’s incredible. So what could I possibly have to gripe about?


While I found the plot to have a fairly interesting foundation– its execution from start to finish leaves a lot to be desired. Now I’m no expert on Hylian biology, or even that of a Zora but in my opinion there are WAY too many damn people that survived the 100 year stretch since Link became minced meat.

Speaking to Link’s original demise, one would think the calamity that then followed would have engulfed the world in chaos and what not. Yet when Link awakens, the world is lush and full of life. Sure– there are some mishaps scattered about, in the form of mechanical monstrosities that wreak a very mild form of havoc. I compare it to the likes of a brand of humor found in a naughty child.

But beyond this, where’s the threat? Yes– Zelda is locked in a struggle to seal away the main threat at the heart of the castle. Sure.. But not once did I get an ‘end of days’ feeling from any of this. No count down to impending doom, people are generally happy… hell; the Gorons biggest problem is their lack of favorite food for christ sakes. Go eat a salad ya damn fools. The Zora complain about too much rain.


Complaining about rain.

And lastly– the dungeons. Yes. All four of them… And forgive me, but 120 shrines do not make up for the lack of dungeon diving we’ve; or at least I’ve come to expect from a Zelda title.

They’re neat, sure. Fun little chambers built to let you play with the physics and various tools you have. Such as your bombs which appear to be a major threat only to Link himself… But where is my six floor maze of doom with actual challenging and creative boss at the end of it?

God– remember the bosses in Ocarina of Time?


Meet Gohma. Her turn-ons include long walks on the ceiling and human flesh. Her pet peeve is green clothed children with slingshots.

This is the first boss you encounter in OOT. The second? A giant Dodongo at the heart of a volcano.


Yeah.. Him..

I find creatures like these to be glorious. Each one involves a mechanic you have to figure out and then avoid and/or exploit. Deal your damage, take the final blow and you get an epic cut scene of its demise. Huzzah!

What do we get with BotW?

All Gannons.jpg

Im sensing a theme here…

What happened to the diversity? What happened to the creativity? What the hell is going on here?

And so I pay 20 dollars for a season pass, waiting for “Fall 2017” to get my one new dungeon. Which mind you– ended up being a wait for December… Oh yeah– and some master trial nonsense that I haven’t completed yet because I’ve already destroyed thousands of these same goddamn creatures ALREADY!

But I digress…

Nintendo, I love you. I truly truly do. You’ve always been there for me. You were my first… baby, don’t be like dis…

Oh yeah– If you haven’t gotten a chance to check out our YouTube channel, you should. It’s got a lot of me making an ass out of myself over some delightful gameplay by Hexi and myself. So… check it out here!

We’re adjourned~

#Mario #Nintendo #Zelda

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